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DAAT · LEVEL 1 — INTRODUCTION

Siman ק״ע · The rules of proper conduct (moussar) at the meal

דברי מוסר שינהג אדם בסעודה — one does not chat while eating (danger of choking), one does not stare at the person eating, one is not irritable at the table ; one does not behave as a glutton, one does not share the cup one drank from (danger), and one keeps the honor due to the host, the guests and the attendant
סימן ק״ע · כ״ב סעיפים
דברי מוסר שינהג אדם בסעודה
🌱 Introductory level · מתחילים
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This siman teaches moussar and derech eretz at the table: one does not talk while eating (אֵין מְשִׂיחִין בַּסְּעוּדָה) for fear of choking, one does not stare at the person eating (שֶׁלֹּא לְבַיֵּשׁ), one is not irritable (קַפְּדָן), one does not behave as a glutton (גַּרְגְּרָן), one does not share the cup (סַכָּנַת נְפָשׁוֹת) ; then the honor due to the host, the guests and the attendant (הַשַּׁמָּשׁ). Hebrew text, fluent English translation and explanation of the כ״ב seifim, with a section of practical cases.

Topic: Proper conduct at the meal — אין משיחין, דרך ארץ, מדות, השמש
Source: שולחן ערוך אורח חיים סימן ק״ע · כ״ב סעיפים

Compiled by: רב יוסף חיים סממה
DAAT · daattorah.com

After the breaking of the bread and the blessing of המוציא (simanim 167-168) and the laws of the meal (169), the Choulhan Aroukh devotes this siman to moussar and derech eretz at the table: how to conduct oneself, speak, eat and drink with measure, and how to honor others — the host, the guests and the attendant. These are not mere manners: they touch on danger (choking, a shared cup), on respect for others (not shaming, not staring) and on the traits of the soul (neither glutton nor hot-tempered). We study here at the level of principle; for personal conduct, one refers to the custom and to the ruling of the Rav.

📑 Study outline

A. אין משיחין בסעודה ונטילה (seif 1) — not talking while eating, and the netila of one who steps out
B. הקערה והשמש (seifim 2-3) — waiting for one another at the dish, the attendant's portion
C. דרך ארץ וכבוד (seifim 4-6) — not staring, obeying the host, not being irritable
D. שלא כגרגרן וכרעבתן (seifim 7-12) — the proper measure in eating and drinking
E. נימוסי הנתינה והחלוקה (seifim 13-19) — asking, slicing, sharing, the cup and the danger
F. חבורה, שמש ושיירי הכוס (seifim 20-22) — the company, the attendant, the wine that remains
1-3. Practical cases and comprehension questions

A. אין משיחין בסעודה — not talking while eating

דֶּרֶךְ אֶרֶץ בַּסְּעוּדָה — the whole body of proper conduct and moussar one observes during the meal. They blend concern for health and life (not choking, not sharing a cup), regard for others (not shaming, not staring) and self-mastery (neither glutton nor hot-tempered). The siman gathers twenty-two of them, from the danger of talking while eating to the wine left in the cup.

Séif 1 — אין משיחין בסעודה: the danger of talking

אין משיחין בסעודה שמא יקדים קנה לושט ; ואפילו מי שנתעטש בסעודה אסור לומר לו אסותא. היו מסובין בסעודה ויצא אחד מהם להטיל מים — נוטל ידו אחת ששפשף בה ואינו נוטל אלא בפני כולם שלא יחשדוהו שלא נטלו. הגה ואם לא שפשף אינו נוטל כלל אם לא נגע במקום טנופת, אבל אם עשה צרכיו ודאי צריך נטילה ; והני מילי לשתות אבל לאכול נוטל אפילו בחוץ … ואם דבר עם חבירו והפליג נוטל שתי ידיו כיון שהסיח דעתו.
Séif 1: one does not chat during the meal, lest the food enter the windpipe (קנה) instead of the esophagus (ושט) — and endanger him ; and even to one who sneezes during the meal, it is forbidden to say "bless you" (אסותא). If they were seated and one of them stepped out to urinate, he washes the single hand he rubbed, and he washes only in front of everyone, so that he not be suspected of not washing. Gloss of the Rama: and if he did not rub, he does not wash at all — unless he touched an unclean spot ; but if he relieved himself (defecated), he certainly needs a netila. And this (a single hand) is for drinking, but for eating one washes even outside… and if he spoke with his fellow and lingered (הפליג), he washes both hands, since he lost his focus.
Speech and danger. One does not talk while eating (אין משיחין בסעודה): speech may send the food into the windpipe rather than the esophagus — a real danger. One does not even say "bless you" to a person who sneezes at the table. The siman grafts on the netila of one who steps out: one hand for drinking, both hands if he lingered in conversation and lost focus.

B. הקערה והשמש — the shared dish and the attendant

Séif 2 — ממתינים זה את זה: waiting at the dish

שנים ממתינים זה את זה בקערה, שכשהאחד מסלק ידו מן הקערה לשתות חבירו מפסיק מלאכול עד שיגמור השתיה ; אבל אם הם שלשה אין השנים פוסקין בשביל האחד.
Séif 2: two people wait for one another at the dish — when one withdraws his hand from the dish to drink, the other stops eating until he finishes drinking ; but if they are three, the two do not stop for a single one.
The shared dish. When two eat from a single dish, one does not keep serving oneself while the other drinks — that would leave him behind, an impropriety. But with three, the two who remain do not interrupt for one, for it is no longer a one-on-one.

Séif 3 — פאה בקערה: the attendant's portion

משיירין פאה בקערה כל אחד מהאוכלים, והוא מאכל השמש ; אבל כשהשמש מערה מן האלפס לתוך הקערה אין דרך להניח באלפס כלום לצרכו.
Séif 3: each of the eaters leaves a corner (פאה) in the dish, and it is the attendant's food (השמש) ; but when the attendant himself pours from the pot (אלפס) into the dish, there is no custom to leave anything in the pot for his need.
Do not take it all. One leaves a corner (פאה) in the dish for the attendant who serves and has not yet eaten — a mark of regard. But when the attendant himself pours from the pot, he need not reserve a portion in the pot: he will serve himself from the dish like the others.

C. דרך ארץ וכבוד — the courtesies at the table

Séif 4 — אין מסתכלין בפני האוכל: not staring

אין מסתכלין בפני האוכל ולא במנתו שלא לביישו.
Séif 4: one does not stare at the face of the person eating nor at his portion, so as not to embarrass him.
Look away. One does not stare at the person eating nor at what is on his plate — it would embarrass him (שלא לביישו), as if he ate too much or too little. Respect for others begins with a discreet gaze.

Séif 5 — כל מה שיאמר בעל הבית: obeying the host

הנכנס לבית — כל מה שיאמר לו בעל הבית יעשה.
Séif 5: one who enters a home — whatever the master of the house tells him, he does.
At the host's, his rule. The guest defers to the host's requests — to wash, to sit in a certain seat, to eat what is offered. It is both courtesy and a recognition of the honor the host does him by welcoming him.

Séif 6 — לא יהא קפדן: not being irritable

לא יהא אדם קפדן בסעודתו.
Séif 6: a person should not be irritable (קפדן) at his meal.
The table, a place of peace. One does not lose one's temper (קפדן — hot-tempered, fault-finding) during the meal: neither with the household nor with the guests. The meal should remain a moment of serenity and goodwill ; anger there is especially out of place.

D. שלא כגרגרן — the proper measure

Séif 7 — פרוסה כביצה: the size of the mouthful

לא יאכל אדם פרוסה כביצה, ואם אכל הרי זה גרגרן.
Séif 7: a person should not eat a piece as big as an egg ; and if he ate it, he is a glutton (גרגרן).
Measured mouthfuls. One does not put in his mouth a piece as big as an egg (כביצה): a sign of gluttony (גרגרן). Good conduct calls for reasonable mouthfuls — a matter of measure and dignity, not only of cleanliness.

Séif 8 — לא ישתה בבת אחת: drinking calmly

לא ישתה כוסו בבת אחת, ואם שתה הרי זה גרגרן ; שנים דרך ארץ, שלשה הרי זה מגסי הרוח. הגה ומיהו כוס קטן מאד מותר לשתותו בבת אחת, וכן גדול מאד בשלשה או ארבעה פעמים.
Séif 8: one does not drink his cup in a single gulp, and if he drank it thus, he is a glutton ; in two goes, it is proper conduct (דרך ארץ) ; in three, it is arrogance (מגסי הרוח). Gloss of the Rama: however, a very small cup may be drunk in one go ; and likewise a very large one, in three or four times.
Neither in one gulp nor in tiny sips. One does not empty one's cup in a single gulp (glutton), yet one does not break it up excessively either (arrogance). The proper measure is twice (שנים דרך ארץ). The Rama qualifies by size: a very small cup may be drunk at once, a very large one in three or four times.

Séif 9 — שום או בצל: garlic and onion

לא יאכל שום או בצל מראשו אלא מעליו, ואם אכל הרי זה רעבתן. הגה ולא יאכל דרך רעבתנות, ולא יאחוז המאכל בידו אחת ויתלוש ממנו בידו השנית.
Séif 9: one does not eat garlic or onion from its head (its root) but from its leaves (the top) ; and if he ate it (from the head), he is a voracious eater (רעבתן). Gloss of the Rama: and one does not eat in a voracious manner, nor hold the food in one hand and tear from it with the other.
Eating with restraint. A telling detail: one starts garlic or onion from the top, not the root — eating it "from the head" betrays voracity (רעבתן). The Rama generalizes: no voracious gestures, and one does not tear the food with both hands like a starving man.

Séif 10 — לא ישוך פרוסה: not putting back a bitten piece

לא ישוך פרוסה ויניחנה על גבי השלחן.
Séif 10: one does not bite a slice and then put it back on the table.
Out of regard for others. A slice already bitten and put back on the table is repugnant to the other guests. The rule protects shared cleanliness and everyone's comfort — one does not return to the dish or the table what one has brought to one's mouth.

Séif 11 — שני כוסות בבת אחת: two cups at once

לא ישתה אדם שני כוסות בבת אחת בתוך סעודתו ויברך ברכת המזון, מפני שנראה כגרגרן.
Séif 11: a person should not drink two cups at once during his meal and (then) recite the birkat hamazon, because it appears gluttonous.
Avoiding the look of greed. Downing two cups back to back just before the birkat hamazon looks like a glutton rushing to finish. The halakha here guards the appearance (שנראה כגרגרן) as much as the substance: conduct at the table is also a matter of dignity.

Séif 12 — הגדול פושט ידו תחלה: precedence

שנים שיושבין על השלחן — הגדול פושט ידו תחלה ; והשולח ידו בפני מי שגדול ממנו הרי זה גרגרן.
Séif 12: of two who sit at the table — the greater extends his hand first ; and one who extends his hand before someone greater than him is a glutton.
Honor first. One lets the greater (in age or in Torah) serve himself first. To reach ahead of a greater person for the food is to behave as a glutton — the eagerness to eat then overrides the respect due to another.

E. נימוסי הנתינה והחלוקה — giving, sharing, the cup

Séif 13 — לא יאמר תנו לי: not demanding

הנכנס לבית לא יאמר תנו לי לאכול עד שיאמרו הם. הגה לא יאמר אדם לחבירו בא ואכול עמי מה שהאכלתני, דהוי כפורע לו חובו … אבל מותר לומר לו בא ואכול עמי ואאכול עמך בפעם אחרת.
Séif 13: one who enters a home does not say "give me to eat" until they say (offer). Gloss of the Rama: one does not say to his fellow "come eat with me what you fed me," for that is like repaying a debt (and there is a suspicion of ribbit)… but it is permitted to say to him "come eat with me and I will eat with you another time."
Neither demand nor "repay." The guest waits to be offered, he does not demand. The Rama adds a subtlety: inviting someone "to repay" the meal he gave you resembles repaying a debt (suspicion of רבית) ; but a reciprocal, free invitation ("you at mine, me at yours") is permitted.

Séif 14 — לא יפרוס על הקערה: not slicing over the dish

לא יפרוס אדם פרוסה על גבי הקערה, אבל מקנח הקערה בפרוסה.
Séif 14: a person should not slice a piece over the (shared) dish ; but he may wipe the dish with a piece.
The shared dish stays clean. One does not cut his slice over the shared dish (crumbs, contact) ; on the other hand, wiping the dish with a piece of bread is permitted. The line: do not soil what belongs to all, while enjoying the dish normally.

Séif 15 — לא ילקט פירורין: crumbs and bitten pieces

לא ילקט פירורין ויניח על גבי השלחן, מפני שהוא ממחה דעתו של חבירו ; ולא ישוך פרוסה ויתננה לפני חבירו או לתוך הקערה, לפי שאין דעת כל הבריות שוה.
Séif 15: one does not gather crumbs and put them on the table, because it troubles the mind of his fellow ; and one does not bite a slice and then give it before his fellow or into the dish, for the temperament of all people is not alike (what one likes disgusts another).
Each has his own sensitivity. Gathering crumbs on the table bothers the neighbor ; and above all, one does not give another a bitten piece — for "אין דעת כל הבריות שוה": what seems trivial to you may disgust the other. The principle is attentiveness to another's sensitivity.

Séif 16 — לא ישתה ויתן לחבירו: not sharing the cup

לא ישתה מהכוס ויתן לחבירו מפני סכנת נפשות.
Séif 16: one does not drink from the cup and (then) give it to his fellow, because of danger to life (סכנת נפשות).
Health first. One does not have another drink from the cup one has already drunk from: the siman sees in it a danger to life (סכנת נפשות) — risk of transmission. The Torah takes the preservation of health seriously ; this is not merely a matter of etiquette.

Séif 17 — יאחזנו בידו: holding the cup

לא ישתה כוס ויניחנו על השלחן, אלא יאחזנו בידו עד שיבא השמש ויתננו לו.
Séif 17: one does not drink a cup and (then) set it on the table, but holds it in his hand until the attendant comes and he gives it to him.
Returning it properly. After drinking, one does not set the cup down just anywhere on the table ; one holds it until handing it to the attendant. Another gesture of good order that prevents clutter and disorder on the table.

Séif 18 — לא יקח חלקו ויתננו לשמש: one's portion to the attendant

הנכנס לסעודה לא יקח חלקו ויתננו לשמש שמא יארע דבר קלקול בסעודה, אלא יקחנה ויניחנו ואחר כך יתננו לו.
Séif 18: one who comes to a meal does not take his portion and (immediately) give it to the attendant, lest some mishap occur at the meal ; but he takes it, sets it down, and afterward gives it to him.
Take, then give. One does not pass one's portion straight to the attendant — for if a mishap (a shortage of food) occurred, one would have given away what could have served the guests. One takes it first, sets it down, and then gives: prudence before generosity.

Séif 19 — נטלו רשות: the host's permission

אורחים הנכנסין אצל בעל הבית אינם רשאים ליטול מלפניהם וליתן לבנו או לעבדו של בעל הבית, אלא אם כן נטלו רשות מבעל הבית.
Séif 19: guests who enter a host's home are not permitted to take from before them and give it to the host's son or servant, unless they took permission from the host.
Nothing given without the host. The guest does not dispose of his portion by giving it to the host's son or servant without permission: the food is offered to the guest, not for him to give it away in his host's home. Thus one respects the intent and the household of the בעל הבית.

F. חבורה, שמש ושיירי הכוס — the company, the attendant, the wine that remains

Séif 20 — נקיי הדעת שבירושלים: choosing one's company

נקיי הדעת שבירושלים לא היו מסובין בסעודה אלא אם כן יודעים מי מסב עמהם, מפני שגנאי הוא לתלמיד חכם לישב אצל עם הארץ בסעודה.
Séif 20: the refined of Jerusalem (נקיי הדעת שבירושלים) would not recline at a meal unless they knew who was reclining with them, because it is a disgrace for a talmid chacham to sit next to an ignorant person (עם הארץ) at a meal.
The table shapes. The refined of Jerusalem wanted to know with whom they were dining: the table is a place of influence, and it is no honor for a talmid chacham to be seated beside an עם הארץ whose conduct clashes with his. The choice of company is part of derech eretz.

Séif 21 — השמש: the attendant at the table

השמש שהיה משמש על שנים הרי זה אוכל עמהם אף על פי שלא נתנו לו רשות ; היה משמש על שלשה אינו אוכל עמהם אלא אם כן נתנו לו רשות.
Séif 21: the attendant who was serving two people eats with them, even though they did not give him permission ; if he was serving three, he does not eat with them unless they gave him permission.
The attendant, too, has dignity. Serving two guests, the שמש eats with them by right — their consent is presumed, since each yields only a little. Serving three, he waits for their explicit permission. The siman looks after the regard due to the one who serves.

Séif 22 — שיירי הכוס: the wine that remains

אחר ששתית ונשאר יין בכוס לשתיית חבירך — קנח מקום נשיקת הפה משום מיאוס, ולא תשפוך משום בל תשחית ; אחר שתיית מים שפוך מהם דרך שם. הגה אחר כל אכילתך אכול מלח, ואחר כל שתייתך שתה מים, וכמו שיתבאר לקמן סימן קע״ט …
Séif 22: after you have drunk and wine remains in the cup for your fellow to drink — wipe the spot where the mouth touched (מקום נשיקת הפה), out of distaste (מיאוס), and do not pour it out, because of "do not destroy" (בל תשחית) ; after drinking water, pour some out along the same spot. Gloss of the Rama: after all your eating, eat salt, and after all your drinking, drink water, as will be explained further on, siman 179…
Regard and non-waste together. Of wine left for another: one wipes the rim (out of regard and distaste, מיאוס) but does not throw it out (בל תשחית). For water, one may rinse the rim. The Rama closes with an old hygiene recommendation (salt and water after the meal), referred to siman 179.
The siman in one sentence: at the table one cultivates moussar and derech eretz — one does not talk while eating (שמא יקדים קנה לושט), one does not stare at the person eating (שלא לביישו), one is not hot-tempered (קפדן), one eats and drinks with measure (neither גרגרן nor רעבתן), one does not share the cup one drank from (סכנת נפשות), and one honors the host, the guests and the attendant (השמש).

Practical cases

Case 1 — Talking during the meal

Situation: someone asks me a question while my mouth is full, or sneezes next to me. What should I do?
Conduct: one does not answer while eating (אין משיחין בסעודה שמא יקדים קנה לושט): swallow first, then speak. And one does not rush to say "bless you" to a person who sneezes at the table (séif 1). For the precise usage (blessings, words of Torah at the table), one follows one's Rav.

Case 2 — Eating and drinking with measure

Situation: I am very hungry and thirsty. May I take big mouthfuls and empty my cup in one gulp?
Conduct: no — neither a piece as big as an egg (גרגרן, séif 7), nor a cup drunk in one gulp ; the measure is to drink in two goes (שנים דרך ארץ, séif 8). One also lets the greater serve himself first (séif 12). This is derech eretz, an expression of self-mastery.

Case 3 — Sharing one's cup or one's portion

Situation: I want to let a friend taste from my cup, or give my portion to the server. Is it permitted?
Conduct: one does not have another drink from a cup one has drunk from — מפני סכנת נפשות (séif 16). And one does not hand one's portion straight to the attendant: one takes it, sets it down, then gives it (séif 18) ; one gives nothing to the host's son or servant without his permission (séif 19). For a delicate case, one follows one's Rav.

Comprehension questions

Check your understanding:
  1. Why does one not talk while eating, and what does one not say to someone who sneezes (séif 1)?
  2. Why does one not stare at the person eating, and why must one not be קפדן (séifim 4, 6)?
  3. What is the proper measure for a mouthful and for drinking a cup (séifim 7-8)?
  4. Why does one not share the cup one drank from (séif 16)?
  5. When does the attendant (השמש) eat with the guests, and what does one do with the wine that remains (séifim 21-22)?

Going further

If you wish to deepen this siman:
Continue to the next simanSiman 171 →
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